Friday, November 9, 2012

15 Things I have learnt this week

Being the lazy writer that I am and having no clue what topic to write about, I figure I can always go back to a tried and true format. Thanks to twitter my inner monologue only speaks in 140 character bursts so why fight it. Here's the stuff I should probably already know but didn't before this week.

  1. No matter how much you try to plan your day, 15 minutes before you are due to leave to go somewhere, one of your children will fall asleep. It doesn't matter how old they are or how much sleep they have had in the last week. This will happen. Expect it.
  2. If you mop your floors, within 24 hours straight cordial will be dropped on them. Even in houses like mine where cordial is no longer purchased this still happens. It's the universes way of saying 'you missed a spot'. 
  3. You can have a huge backyard and all the outdoor play equipment a Toys-r-us catalogue can push on you but the best place for a family cricket match will always be the living room, according to all card carrying members of you household. Learn the phone number for O'Brien's Glass Replacement or put it in your speed dial.
  4. Teenage boys can be awfully creative with their little sister's Barbie dolls if left alone with them for just minutes. These 'displays' will just confirm your suspicions that he was downloading porn in his bedroom all along. No need for that awkward conversation to take place.
  5. You might think you have come up with THE best chocolate hiding spot in the house but those pesky teenagers will always sniff it out. You will only discover this when you are either frothing at the mouth with raging hormones or there is a torrential storm hitting your house and your hair is freshly blow waved.
  6. Torrential storms ONLY hit your house when you have freshly blow waved your hair.
  7. No matter how much you are repulsed by the thought, it is possible that your husband will open a beer at 9am when on holidays just because your shot him your best 'you have got to be fucking kidding me' look. Pick your battles. Your day will certainly end better than his.
  8. Cocktail frankfurts should never, under any circumstance, be put in a Waldorf Salad. DID YOU HEAR THAT MOTHER IN LAW?
  9. Having a hot podiatrist is a complete waste of an interaction with a hot person. They're looking at your feet for God's sake and you're not there because you're a foot model.
  10. The size of luggage required for a person to go on a holiday is in no way relevant to their size. In fact, the smaller you are, the more you need. It is written.
  11. No matter how many beautiful, colour coordinated outfits you buy for your daughter, she will always choose the most stained, stretched, ugly, misshapen, uncoordinated outfit she can get her hands on. Then she will be photographed for a newspaper article or kinder graduations photos. And people WILL judge you.
  12. Your semi verbal autistic child will always manage to repeat any swear word you say with some little inflection which lets everyone know just who taught him that little gem. He may not speak all day but stub your toe on a rock and call it a 'son-of-a-mother-fucking-try-hard-lump-of-ugly-granite' and you can be sure he will find his tongue.
  13. People only post the ugliest of photos of you on Facebook. You will always be taking a bite out of a burger, swigging a drink from the bottle or mid sneeze. Then they tag you.
  14. Good photos of you were last taken in the late 80's. Even the ones with that perm you thought was hot but really wasn't are better than anything taken since.
  15. All of this crap will pale into insignificance when your phone rings and your 7 year old ASD child picks it up and says 'Hello, Fletcher speaking.'
Have a great weekend guys. I know I will now.

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